unsteady

"Sometimes you need to stray before you realise you want to be home."

I looked you in the eye because you did not get it. "What if I dont want to go home?", I threw your analogy back at you. I see your face fall. I think you finally get it.

I thought I had it all figured out too. I did not.

Whatever that was, was never was home. This though; you make me feel like home.

I dont know what I'd do without you.

fine lines

I will not miss the sting I feel biting down the insides of my cheek during the times I have tried to surprise you with a meal and hearing you insist how much better your cooking is. (It really isn't.)

I will not miss the disappointment I felt each time I bought you a gift - insignificant or practical, something you have dropped repeated hints on or something you would have needed - and your reaction falls short of appreciative. 

I will not miss feeling torn when you speak badly of someone who matters to me. I will not miss shutting my mouth instead of putting you in your place because I am just too tired for yet another physically hurtful fight. 

I will not miss feeling insufficient. That your ever changing wave of "friends" deserves more than I do and that I was never worth a future with.

I will not miss feeling unaccomplished despite slogging my way through to two promotions, but you feel bitter because of your lack of. 

I will not miss the time you raised your voice at my father. Nor all the times afterwards he walks away when you are around. I will not miss the guilt I feel putting my family through your nonsense. 

I will not miss cringing everytime an argument with you gets heated and I feel your fingers digging into my arms. I will not miss the shock I feel the times you crossed the line and shoving turned into something worse. 

I will not miss the sinking feeling in my chest the time I accidentally found out you secretly took pictures of me while I was fast asleep, naked.  

I will not miss how much I really fucking despised you when you forced yourself on me. 

There are so much more I would not miss and so much more why walking away from you was so, so easy but to sum this all up; I will not miss you loving me. You never did. 

10 Things I've Realised in the 10 Hours Since Losing My Smartphone:

1. I need to ask for the time.


2. My mother makes a very efficient alarm clock. But, and also precisely because, she doesn't come with a snooze button.


3. My favourite playlist keeps my sanity on morning rush hour train rides.


4. The possibility of having my saved snapchats and selfies leaked is terrifying... I really should behave less embarrassingly.


5. I have no means of contacting ANYONE because I cannot remember any numbers except for my mom's. (Not even my house/dad/sister/friends of a decade)


6. I really need to have a contact book. Or back up stuff in an external drive. Or start by finding out how that works.


7.  Doing school work on my phone is productive. Not backing it up and losing my phone is beyond counter-productive.


8. Not being able to actively know that my friends are having for lunch actually doesn't kill me. And vice versa.


9. The dependency I (we) have on technology is bordering morbidly disgusting. I can't believe my meagre mobile was my clock, calculator, map, phone, email, contact book, camera, life album (this one, makes me depressed), Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, Blog, microsoft/google document, book, music player and god-knows-what-else-i-havent-yet-realised, all together.


10. Life without a smartphone / being uncontactable has been surprisingly peaceful. Also translates to a legit excuse to not give two shits about school, work and to some extent, life in general. #YOLOFREEDOM

pick my heart off the floor

I've learnt growing up that risking failure is synonymous to attaining good things. Overcoming the fear of failure itself makes success so much more sweeter and a whole lot more worthwhile.

I've also come to realise love is not one of them.

All the things you fancied about me was never a prerequisite to you loving me,

It was never about the traits I desperately tried to make you notice. Nothing along the lines of what others would chorus - how well I love, care, carry myself, cook or look. It will never be about my hopes and dreams and all my whims and fancies in between.

All of these was what drew you to me, that was never a question, but they will never be a prerequisite to you loving me because I just realised these things I do, should never be specifically for you, or anyone else for that matter, but myself. You may like the idea of me but these ideas were and will never be sufficient for you to fall in love with me.

We used to argue that the other's version of love was warped and now I've realised maybe we didn't even know what love is at all.

The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

I've always been a strong believer of the grass on your side being as green as you make it out to be. My theory is simple, it's your grass, you grow it.

But truth be told, more often than not, it isn't the greenest. Somehow, somewhere, the grass is always greener on the other side because no matter how much you tend to your own patch, someone is going to look better, be better at what you do, be in a better situation and simply just have more. 

It is an inevitable fact. I envy many people, for many reasons. I am always (happily) envious of my friends in blissful relationships with their better halves because tried and tested, I am practically a magnet for heartbreak. I constantly look up to my chefs or anyone for that matter that cooks well, because I never got to pursing culinary properly and I always feel there's so much for me be better at. I get possessive and needy sometimes, especially towards those who mean the most to me because I catch myself second guessing my worth or importance from time to time. And as comfortable as I am in my own skin, I'd readily admit I easily fall short against a number of other girls who are crazily blessed with good looks and good figures.

I guess it is only human that people are selective in what they choose to believe. Fallibly, in a state of despondency, we end up too focused on the achievements of others. Plus, inexplicable greed gets the better of us, some time or the other. After all, they always say there's nothing worth having so much as something unattainable. You'd argue that  perhaps the fault lies in the survival instincts etched in our genes to be at the top of the food chain, but in all likelihood, there probably will never be an explanation for our insatiable thirst for success. 

I've realised very early on that a permanent definition of what is sufficient set on a pedestal is impossible because of new benchmarks and expectations set each day. Sufficient will never be enough and enough will never equate to perfection. Entire lifetimes will be squandered to attempting to attain the perfect lawn, because ineffably enough, someone somewhere will be bound to have grass that appears to shine that little shade brighter. 

The most lamentable reason however is, the grass will always be greener on the other side simply because we spend so much time looking over, we forget to look down on the patch we're standing on. All the time, blood, sweat and tears, heartaches and headaches, all your successes and even more so your failures, should have had made a difference in whatever you have now. To say it is a pity it slipped your mind is an understatement.

At the end of the day, I guess my point is, so what if the grass is greener on the other side?

“The moment you place someone on a pedestal, they will look down upon you.”

I think my most prominent problem is that I try to see the best out of everyone, too much and too often for my own good. I overlook warning signs, I ignore the flashing lights. Time and time again, I trust that my kindness will be acknowledged, if not reciprocated. I trust people right away, right up until they prove they cannot be trusted, which by then, turns out to be too late, isn't it. 

The hilarious irony is, in giving more than my 100% and yet being unappreciated and pushed around at work, being a disposable friend, letting people take advantage of the fact that I am not one to say "no", putting myself in a position where I am always a pushover and settling for significant others who constantly makes me feel insignificant... no one disappoints me, really, but myself. 

They always say to not mistake one's kindness for their weakness. My kindness, on the contrary, is my biggest weakness. Someone teach me how to be unkind, please.