high and dry

Sometimes despite how mundane some things may appear, when you keep at it for long enough, it slowly becomes familiar. And I've always caved for all things familiar.

My emotions fluctuate from content to beyond rock bottom sometimes. Familiar is miles away and often I feel like shit. I feel like caving and demanding to go back because maybe deep down, I hate pretending I dont fear the bugs here, I hate feeling alone and vulnerable, I hate the fluctuating weather and I hate my control, or lack of, over my fluctuating emotions. Sometimes I wake up and I forget Im not in Singapore and I spend a good 5 minutes, lying in bed getting over that longing ache in my chest. 

I am impulsive by nature. I say and do what I decide I'd like to. I am whiny, I need to be cajoled sometimes and more than I like to, I am needy. But I cannot be all of these here. I cannot completely be myself here. It's more than missing out on my family and friends. I feel like Im missing out on myself. 

Trust me when I say Im trying. But it would be very nice to have someone familiar around. And yes, preferably with tau huey. (<- pathetic attempt at trying to make this less depressing. I deserve some credit)

(I think I made you up inside my head)

It's safe to say I've settled in. My days have been a crazy blur of the repetitive wake up|work|sleep cycle and then throw in days like yesterday and today, where I've days off, and it comes to this abrupt halt of too much free time of doing nothing.

As much as I miss home still, I actually quite like staying alone. The thing about missing out on something that was once a norm is you get to rediscover it's depleted worth. Never again will I neglect the fact or doubt that Singapore is indeed a food haven. Or shun funky smelling, sardine-packed commuters in public transport. But as with every single speck in this universe - missing out, lost or cherishing - things change. I've never felt further away from everyone I deem significant in my life. Sometimes I want to call but I dont know what to say because 'I miss you' cheapens how I feel and it simply does not suffice.

That said, it has only been a month. I am almost very certain 5 more months will fly by and before I know it, I'll be back home, right where I belong in my snug bed, and maybe who knows, I might be missing Langkawi then.