the minor fall // the major lift

The fault lies with no one that university fees are high, bills have to be paid and coincidentally, the little sister starts Poly this year. I still am grateful for many things. But truth is, I am tired. It's quite a shitty feeling, to feel defeated even before we've barely started.

Sometimes I wish someone would come up to me and tell me to ditch the front because while I may think it is doing everyone good, it isn't doing me much good. I feel all kinds of exhausted, I don't even know what is happening any more. Self-preservation has never felt lonelier.

I guess this wasn't what I was quite expecting after Langkawi. It is one thing being in a different country and loneliness comes as a part of the package. It is a completely different thing being around so many people all at once and feeling nothing but genuinely small and empty.

There's a saying somewhere that patience isn't defined by the amount of time you've waited, but your attitude while you're waiting.

Maybe I'm running out of patience.

the best one, of the best ones.

2013 has been brilliant. It was an extremely difficult year and I think 2014 will continue to be, but perhaps that is what makes it so satisfying.

I remember waking up the first morning after flying back from Langkawi for good, feeling extremely disoriented to be in my own bed. It took a few minutes too long but the slow realisation of knowing I actually finished half a year of internship in a foreign land all alone was nothing short of comforting. The long hours, homesickness, heartaches, being a pushover, temptations of giving up and hard learnt lessons - I sucked it all up, I actually did it.

Then came graduation. Through the entire ceremony I remember feeling like it was just really mundane and that I was just glad I am done with poly. A few of my lecturers and director came over after and my first instinct was to panic about what they would say but the grin on my Dad's face on hearing how well I did for internship was the biggest, most proudest grin I've ever seen in my life. (This is also the best moment of my life thus far)

In that moment, I realised something I should have had realised way earlier but it will be something that will stay close to my heart forever. While I know I've always been working hard to get the things I want, from trainings to school to work, it finally dawned on me that day that the only thing more satisfactory than me feeling accomplished is to see how proud my parents are of my accomplishments.

The past few months have been extremely trying. Juggling two jobs on top of school has definitely taken it's toll. I barely have time for much, but when I do find time, my days off become so much more worthwhile. Also, I've successfully made it through yet another festive period in the service industry. Feeling accomplished is an understatement. I know the next few months will be crazy hectic, but there is comfort in knowing if I did it before, I can do it again and that it will all be worthwhile eventually.

It is safe to say I grew up quite a bit because I am also thankful for the relationship(s) that didn't happen. It is the things like these that keeps me grounded knowing that not everything will work out the way I want it to be. Sometimes you get some, sometimes you lose some. After all, I think these reminders from time to time makes me a tougher person and more appreciative of my other relationships with people who are more important in my life.

Which brings me to... How 2013 really pointed out how blessed I am to be surrounded by really, the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I know I get stubborn, infuriating and whiny, but everyone else evens it out mostly (hahaha) and I cannot be any more thankful to have everyone in my life. This is where words simply do not suffice and I've nothing more to offer than "I love you"s and "I will cook for you forever"s, because that is really all Jill can humbly offer and I hope that is enough.

All in all, to sum up the year, I am just glad to be home, where it isn't a place but more of being with the people I love. I am extremely contented to have time to do what I love, all the meals I'm slowly getting better at conjuring and (still feeling extremely humbled and bubbly about (': ) my first legit bake sale a few days ago. Surely work and school will carry on being a challenge, but it will be one I'll gladly accept. After all, as one of my favourite saying goes, "Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you."

So cheers to the new year; to what is, has been and is yet to come. 

I never did deserve you

I wake up to yet another text from you. You say you're undeserving, and truth is, we both are. I may not be the perfect girlfriend but I tried and I tried so hard, I forgot to see if you were trying too.

You see, I never did deserve you. I don't deserve someone who doesn't bother to know my favourite colour, my favourite flower or my favourite place. I don't deserve someone who constantly forgets my food allergy, my dislike for milk and my birthday (it's as simple as 11/11, seriously?). I don't deserve waiting for hours at a time for text replies every other time. I don't deserve always being the second option to understandably family and friends but more hurtingly, a pretty stranger or the one that got away. I don't deserve subjecting my family to your opinions and they don't deserve to see me upset. I don't deserve someone who expects me to be there 24/7 when I know I cannot count on you at all. Most of all, for someone who supported you through all your fickle-mindedness and second guesses, I never did deserve for you to put down my biggest ambition of opening a cafe simply because "babe there are so many cafes in Singapore already".

I can, and have always been, overlooking the small superficial matters. Prawns in the steamboat pot again, aimless odd jobs, silly tantrums and dates with everyone else but your girlfriend. And for awhile it was okay to be second or third, as along as I was still on the list of things to remember at the end of the day. But it isnt okay when you put down the things and people that matters the most to me because you know how hard I work for it all. And it definitely isn't okay to be asking for second chances when we are both this undeserving.

How am I ever to deserve someone like you, who constantly makes me feel this way?

11/11

Another year, another number. Had a lovely weekend. Great food, even better company. Just extremely glad I didn't have to spend this year waiting at the airport for my family to fly in. And so humbled with the reminder that I've such brilliant friends, that those who matter most are still around even after I disappeared for half a year.

Aite, festivities aside, time to grow up. Cheers to constants and better mistakes.

we're slow dancing in a burning room

I guess at the end of the day, what is most important will, more often than not, be left unsaid. 

Because you see, words diminish intentions. I think of you and I remember how we met or the little things you do like hold open doors for me, feed me the best/last part of your meal or carry me despite you being tired. I almost forget what it's like to hold your hand or how safe I feel in your arms, tracing the spectrum of colours with my fingertips, right up until Im losing my shit in silly situations like blood tests and injections. And all these swell up to this longing but all I can afford to muster is; I miss you. 

Except "I miss you" just doesn't cut it, does it. 

I will constantly be a mess of impulse, stubbornness and capricious whims. You will never fully understand the copious ways in which I behave and I will never be able to find the words help you try. 

sufficient

The thing about seeking perfection, I've come to realise, is that perfection comes only when you stop looking for it. So many times, I've reached a point where I've had to convince myself that, maybe this is it, maybe it isnt attainable. Then give it anything ranging from a few days to a few months, it would dawn on me that what I already have, is perfect enough. 

I dont need to constantly come up tops. I dont need to always be first. What I do want is knowing I've tried my best, and if it in some way concerns anyone else, that me giving my best is enough. Because we both know that I wouldnt bother with anything that doesnt matter to me, but when it does, I put every bit of myself into it. 

When you try too hard at anything, trying eventually leads to forcing. And forcing is just a constant roller coaster ride of feeling insufficient, paranoia and sometimes, desperation. Its dwindles down what you started off enjoying to a constant struggle of trying to prove your worth. 

And nobody deserves to be subjected to the need to prove themselves constantly. 

It seems easy to say it, and if you really get down to it, it is alot easier to do too. I just need to know that trying my best and giving my all is enough, regardless of what I may or may not achieve. That me being enough is sufficient. And that sufficient could very well be perfect. 

Will you still love me in the morning?

It is easy to love me when you see me working. It is easy because I do what I do with passion and pride. I work hard to be good at it, and I won't be the only person who knows I am. It won't be easy when after 12 straight hours in heels, my humility and patience spent, I am tired and whining. Will you still love me then?

It is easy to love me when I've just won a game or collected my finisher's medal after a marathon. It is easy because with face lit up with that smile, bordering close to silly, and brimming with adrenalin and pride, it is hard not to feel satisfied seeing someone so satisfied. It wont be easy though, in the weeks before leading up to that. When I stubbornly overwork my body out, when I am aching and wallowing in self pity or the times when I beat myself up over falling short. Will you still love me then?

It is easy to love me when you see me cooking or when I surprise you with your favourite meal or something random with hopes of brightening up your day. It is easy because you know how much effort and love comes with these acts and how I spend too much time deciding on what is perfect enough to give to someone perfect. It wont be easy when I second guess my recipes sometimes or feel insecure when I try out something new. It wont be easy when you see that crestfallen face of mine, when I sheepishly admit to burning my cakes or cookies a little, or when I find out the congee I spent the entire morning making is way too salty. Will you still love me then?

It is easy to love me when I make the effort to look good for you when we're out. It is easy because it's only human to forget the obligation of calling someone yours, works with the fact that I'd very much like to call you mine too. It will be way too easy with the combination of our friends' laughter and booze. It wont be easy however, when I give my drinking capabilities too much credit, and I am kneeling over regugitating my guts out. I will push you away both physically and with my temper, but we both know secretly all I want/need is for you to stay. You wont understand me and neither will I. Will you still love me then? 

It is easy to love me when you're upset or mad at something and I am trying to cool you down by your side. It is easy because we both know you probably may never find anyone with as much patience, care, understanding and maturity as I do. But it wont be easy when the tables are turned and I am the one that needs cajoling. You will not understand how I went from perfectly mature to unbelievably childish and uncouth. I will get insecure. I will get needy. I will need you. I dont know, but will you still love me then? 

It is easy to love me when the day is through. When everyone has come and gone and you dont need to tuck yourself into bed. It is easy because while you may want to be alone, you dont want to be lonely. Plus nobody ever says no to goodnight kisses and cuddles. But when the new day starts and you're tempted with so many other opportunities, will you still love me then?

Will you still love me in the morning?