"Show me a hero,"

“Things are sweeter when they're lost. 

I know--because once I wanted something and got it. 

It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, 

and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” 

- The Beautiful and Damned, F. Scott Fitzgerald

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for my sister. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful to still be studying. I am thankful to be studying something I am interested in. I am thankful for my jobs. I am thankful I like my jobs. I am thankful I get to cook and bake. I am thankful for the roof over my head. I am thankful for my meals. I am thankful I am contented. I am thankful I am tired because it shows I've been working. I am thankful that life gets tough because Jill always loves a mfing challenge. I am thankful for these challenges because it makes me a better person.

I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.

to love and lose

The best way to love something is to realise it might be lost. Perhaps that was what she needed all along to fully appreciate every bit of you, and I am just but the influencing catalyst. Maybe this is all there is to it.

Or maybe with time, it will cross your mind the possibility of losing what you have now, the myriad ways of 'what if's and 'what could be's. And maybe, just maybe, then, you might start to love me.

the minor fall // the major lift

The fault lies with no one that university fees are high, bills have to be paid and coincidentally, the little sister starts Poly this year. I still am grateful for many things. But truth is, I am tired. It's quite a shitty feeling, to feel defeated even before we've barely started.

Sometimes I wish someone would come up to me and tell me to ditch the front because while I may think it is doing everyone good, it isn't doing me much good. I feel all kinds of exhausted, I don't even know what is happening any more. Self-preservation has never felt lonelier.

I guess this wasn't what I was quite expecting after Langkawi. It is one thing being in a different country and loneliness comes as a part of the package. It is a completely different thing being around so many people all at once and feeling nothing but genuinely small and empty.

There's a saying somewhere that patience isn't defined by the amount of time you've waited, but your attitude while you're waiting.

Maybe I'm running out of patience.

the best one, of the best ones.

2013 has been brilliant. It was an extremely difficult year and I think 2014 will continue to be, but perhaps that is what makes it so satisfying.

I remember waking up the first morning after flying back from Langkawi for good, feeling extremely disoriented to be in my own bed. It took a few minutes too long but the slow realisation of knowing I actually finished half a year of internship in a foreign land all alone was nothing short of comforting. The long hours, homesickness, heartaches, being a pushover, temptations of giving up and hard learnt lessons - I sucked it all up, I actually did it.

Then came graduation. Through the entire ceremony I remember feeling like it was just really mundane and that I was just glad I am done with poly. A few of my lecturers and director came over after and my first instinct was to panic about what they would say but the grin on my Dad's face on hearing how well I did for internship was the biggest, most proudest grin I've ever seen in my life. (This is also the best moment of my life thus far)

In that moment, I realised something I should have had realised way earlier but it will be something that will stay close to my heart forever. While I know I've always been working hard to get the things I want, from trainings to school to work, it finally dawned on me that day that the only thing more satisfactory than me feeling accomplished is to see how proud my parents are of my accomplishments.

The past few months have been extremely trying. Juggling two jobs on top of school has definitely taken it's toll. I barely have time for much, but when I do find time, my days off become so much more worthwhile. Also, I've successfully made it through yet another festive period in the service industry. Feeling accomplished is an understatement. I know the next few months will be crazy hectic, but there is comfort in knowing if I did it before, I can do it again and that it will all be worthwhile eventually.

It is safe to say I grew up quite a bit because I am also thankful for the relationship(s) that didn't happen. It is the things like these that keeps me grounded knowing that not everything will work out the way I want it to be. Sometimes you get some, sometimes you lose some. After all, I think these reminders from time to time makes me a tougher person and more appreciative of my other relationships with people who are more important in my life.

Which brings me to... How 2013 really pointed out how blessed I am to be surrounded by really, the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I know I get stubborn, infuriating and whiny, but everyone else evens it out mostly (hahaha) and I cannot be any more thankful to have everyone in my life. This is where words simply do not suffice and I've nothing more to offer than "I love you"s and "I will cook for you forever"s, because that is really all Jill can humbly offer and I hope that is enough.

All in all, to sum up the year, I am just glad to be home, where it isn't a place but more of being with the people I love. I am extremely contented to have time to do what I love, all the meals I'm slowly getting better at conjuring and (still feeling extremely humbled and bubbly about (': ) my first legit bake sale a few days ago. Surely work and school will carry on being a challenge, but it will be one I'll gladly accept. After all, as one of my favourite saying goes, "Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you."

So cheers to the new year; to what is, has been and is yet to come. 

I never did deserve you

I wake up to yet another text from you. You say you're undeserving, and truth is, we both are. I may not be the perfect girlfriend but I tried and I tried so hard, I forgot to see if you were trying too.

You see, I never did deserve you. I don't deserve someone who doesn't bother to know my favourite colour, my favourite flower or my favourite place. I don't deserve someone who constantly forgets my food allergy, my dislike for milk and my birthday (it's as simple as 11/11, seriously?). I don't deserve waiting for hours at a time for text replies every other time. I don't deserve always being the second option to understandably family and friends but more hurtingly, a pretty stranger or the one that got away. I don't deserve subjecting my family to your opinions and they don't deserve to see me upset. I don't deserve someone who expects me to be there 24/7 when I know I cannot count on you at all. Most of all, for someone who supported you through all your fickle-mindedness and second guesses, I never did deserve for you to put down my biggest ambition of opening a cafe simply because "babe there are so many cafes in Singapore already".

I can, and have always been, overlooking the small superficial matters. Prawns in the steamboat pot again, aimless odd jobs, silly tantrums and dates with everyone else but your girlfriend. And for awhile it was okay to be second or third, as along as I was still on the list of things to remember at the end of the day. But it isnt okay when you put down the things and people that matters the most to me because you know how hard I work for it all. And it definitely isn't okay to be asking for second chances when we are both this undeserving.

How am I ever to deserve someone like you, who constantly makes me feel this way?

11/11

Another year, another number. Had a lovely weekend. Great food, even better company. Just extremely glad I didn't have to spend this year waiting at the airport for my family to fly in. And so humbled with the reminder that I've such brilliant friends, that those who matter most are still around even after I disappeared for half a year.

Aite, festivities aside, time to grow up. Cheers to constants and better mistakes.

we're slow dancing in a burning room

I guess at the end of the day, what is most important will, more often than not, be left unsaid. 

Because you see, words diminish intentions. I think of you and I remember how we met or the little things you do like hold open doors for me, feed me the best/last part of your meal or carry me despite you being tired. I almost forget what it's like to hold your hand or how safe I feel in your arms, tracing the spectrum of colours with my fingertips, right up until Im losing my shit in silly situations like blood tests and injections. And all these swell up to this longing but all I can afford to muster is; I miss you. 

Except "I miss you" just doesn't cut it, does it. 

I will constantly be a mess of impulse, stubbornness and capricious whims. You will never fully understand the copious ways in which I behave and I will never be able to find the words help you try.