"Ability is of little account without opportunity"

Everything always boils down to a seemingly big gaping hole of possibilities.

And I cant believe this time, as it always has happened before, it was more of a gaping hole of nothing.


Fucking bummer. It's one thing working hard for what you want and not getting it. And another thing to work hard for what you want and not even getting the chance to go get it. Also it isn't a matter of choice. Having to decide to be in a place where I'm "supposed to be" simply on the basis that it's time to prioritise other things in my life, against being in a place where I "want to be" is fucking horrible. These are the two most suitable, neutral and calm words I can possibly offer at this point of time. 


But why am I even surprised. This happens so often I should have already seen it coming. 

Read of the Week: The Great Gatsby

“Yet high over the city our line of yellow windows must have contributed
their share of human secrecy to the casual watcher 
in the darkening streets, and I was him too, looking up and wondering.
I was within and without,simultaneously enchanted 
and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
_______________________________________

Struck the best deal possible with Mich. So glad to find someone who has similar (awesome) taste in books. (; Ugh, I love books. 

What Cannot Be Found

POSTNOTE: This is a whiny post. This is a pathetic, typical wallowing in self pity post. Dont read if you cant stand whining. Or if you're one of my ex-es.

Read of the Week: Sputnik Sweetheart

“In the world we live in, what we know and 
what we don't know are like Siamese twins, 
inseparable, existing in a state of confusion.”
- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

6 Things Playing Touch Rugby Made Me Realise:

6 | I can love a sport and stay that way. 

Training with my dad from a young age for marathons and competitive swimming really screwed up my perception of sports. They used to be my favourite sports. The sense of self-fulfilment and accomplishment was one of the best moments I had growing up. But sports being sports, or maybe because I used to be a weakling, it became too much and it reached the point where I was old enough to make my own decisions and I decided for one reason or another, I just didnt like it anymore.  Maybe 3 years hasn't been a very long time to "grow out of it", but playing touch has been, and still is, extremely rewarding.

5 | The difference a Team makes.

I've always found it hard to grasp favouring team sports.  Its brilliant when we work around everyone's strengths (and weaknesses) and accomplish greater things on a higher level. What you lack, someone else makes up for it. Plus having to work not just for yourself but also your team mates motivates you to better yourself constantly.

4 | The difference a Team makes. Negatively. 

Every player's decision and choices can make the team, and with that last point being said, an individual could also break the entire team.  This is the one thing that makes it hard for me to completely embrace team sports; the amount of trust you put in your team mates. Its like a silent agreement saying, "Here is me putting my 101% for the team and I trust everyone else will do the same." But no, a team comprises of different people, with different goals and unfortunately, sometimes different purposes for playing. I play almost entirely for passion, some play because 'my friends are playing'. It sucks balls (I really have no other way to describe it) when you realise of course, inevitably, different people choose to have different levels of commitment to the team.

3 | What a difficult person I am.

My temper on the field and to my team mates hasn't always been ideal and Im not proud of it. It is somewhat comforting to know I've grown from that push over who gets her bottle filled with pool water and thrown to the bottom of the pool, to being someone who knows what she wants and actually fight to earn it. But I must admit I may have over done it and I guess I'm quite fortunate my team mates actually put up with it. *sheepish face*

2 | "It's not the will to win that matters - everyone has that. It's the will to prepare to win that matters."

The amount of commitment I see being contributed to trainings really speaks for the individual - no hesitation in making time out of honestly busy schedules, contributing effort to analyse matches to work on improvements, investing in friendlies and leagues to gain more exposure, being motivated enough to work on fitness even on non-training days... All that sweat, blood and astroburns do pay off. Just wished I'd worked around the fags though.

1 | How much I've grown to love the sport. 

One of the contributing factors I had when deciding whether or not to pick interning overseas was the fact that I had to forgo playing for POLITE. Heck, I could even choose to stop training altogether since it would be a wasted semester. I initially thought it was because I've trained so very hard for so very long, I was just not willing to give it up so easily, as enticing as my interning opportunities sounded. Then I came to realise that I would be extremely miserable if I dont get to touch that oval ball at least twice a week. No more dumps, dummies, switches, fakes, loops, scoops, shots. No more dives and astroburns. I can probably still lie around at home with the touch ball fitting the nook of my neck snugly (contact ball too big), but it just would not be the same as being lazy after training and lying on the field.

It isn't a game that focuses purely on fitness levels and physical capabilities. In fact a lot of moves require quite an outstanding amount of game sense and intellect. When you first learn a move, familiarise yourself with it, that moment when you actually see how you break the defence or when your extra man slots into that gap...

I know for sure that in time to come when I must prioritise other components of my life above Touch, I will find myself missing all the training days, the team, learning new moves and realising how much intellect goes into coming up with these moves, actually being fit, our team cheer, all those hard touches, the mud in Turf City and good ole astro burns.

Quite upset and reluctant once again after finishing this post about interning overseas.  Oh god, I've such a fickle heart.

idiosyncrasies

This feels like a mid-life crisis. No, a quarter life crisis. But no, wait, Im too young for even that. 

There are 3 people in my head.

The first thinks of the most brilliant things. The second puts these thoughts into words and in the process of doing so, depletes everything intelligent about it. The third tries to form these words, meaningless words, into actions and the only outcome he ever gets is the worst possible dwindle of everything I thought I could do.

See, there's a vast different in being good at something and actually being good enough. 

We go around day to day and meet new people and see different things. All of which provoke our thoughts, makes us question our purpose and choices, bewilder us with that one second epiphany of omg-what-if-I-did-this... But who the fuck actually acts on it. 

I know I don't. And I largely contribute that to the fact that I'm just not enough to accomplish such whims of mine.