What Cannot Be Found

POSTNOTE: This is a whiny post. This is a pathetic, typical wallowing in self pity post. Dont read if you cant stand whining. Or if you're one of my ex-es.

Reading (the last 3 points of) this makes me want to cry.

I think I wasted all my feelings on everyone I've ever tried to be with. And the funny thing, which I've come to realise for awhile now, is that it's nobody's fault but mine. I feel like how I've always felt - that I've tried so hard and it will never be enough and that Im tired - but this time completely void of feelings. Its no longer a needy question. Nor is it a statement out of disappointment and hurt. Its a genuinely empty feeling.

Could empty be a feeling? I wish empty was a feeling.

If empty was a feeling, it would be the worst feeling. No love, no scouring over recipes on the internet for their favourite foods and testing it at least once so you can tweak the recipe until you thought it was perfect enough for someone you thought was perfect. No contentment, from seeing their surprised faces, getting hugs, being picked up, getting pecks and feeling like all that effort was worthwhile. No surprise, from being hugged from behind, getting your favourite flower, being picked up from school or work, a sweet text for no reason at all.  No faith, that someone you care for so dearly would care for you the same, if not more. No joy, not from big things like Birthday surprises (not like I would know) nor from small things like him introducing you as his girlfriend. No hope, no anticipation, no guessing, no suspense of what might happen in the next second.

If empty was a feeling, it would be the best feeling. No disappointment, anger, or sadness. From "oh I've had better curry", which of course he had. First and last time I went to the market to buy mutton for rendang and made curry all on my own. Or spending weeks planning surprises that either start with being faulted for being late or end with me throwing the cake I baked away because the person it was for has no time for it anyway. Making someone choose to commit or not and have them decide not. Letting someone take their time to decide whether they would like to commit and they pick someone else. Being dated so someone has his phone bills paid for.

Scratch that. Disappointment, anger and sadness does not suffice to describe how all that felt. What word would you derive at if you take the word "hurt", square it to "pathetic" and multiply that by a hundred folds.

Well see, who the fuck asked me to make meals or plan surprises. When the fuck was I ever promised a happy ending. Why the fuck do I always assume that maybe one day I'll end up being enough. Time to fucking snap out of it.

Im just so worn out from the same cycle over and over again. I think empty is what Im feeling.