10 Things I've Realised in the 10 Hours Since Losing My Smartphone:

1. I need to ask for the time.


2. My mother makes a very efficient alarm clock. But, and also precisely because, she doesn't come with a snooze button.


3. My favourite playlist keeps my sanity on morning rush hour train rides.


4. The possibility of having my saved snapchats and selfies leaked is terrifying... I really should behave less embarrassingly.


5. I have no means of contacting ANYONE because I cannot remember any numbers except for my mom's. (Not even my house/dad/sister/friends of a decade)


6. I really need to have a contact book. Or back up stuff in an external drive. Or start by finding out how that works.


7.  Doing school work on my phone is productive. Not backing it up and losing my phone is beyond counter-productive.


8. Not being able to actively know that my friends are having for lunch actually doesn't kill me. And vice versa.


9. The dependency I (we) have on technology is bordering morbidly disgusting. I can't believe my meagre mobile was my clock, calculator, map, phone, email, contact book, camera, life album (this one, makes me depressed), Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, Blog, microsoft/google document, book, music player and god-knows-what-else-i-havent-yet-realised, all together.


10. Life without a smartphone / being uncontactable has been surprisingly peaceful. Also translates to a legit excuse to not give two shits about school, work and to some extent, life in general. #YOLOFREEDOM

pick my heart off the floor

I've learnt growing up that risking failure is synonymous to attaining good things. Overcoming the fear of failure itself makes success so much more sweeter and a whole lot more worthwhile.

I've also come to realise love is not one of them.

All the things you fancied about me was never a prerequisite to you loving me,

It was never about the traits I desperately tried to make you notice. Nothing along the lines of what others would chorus - how well I love, care, carry myself, cook or look. It will never be about my hopes and dreams and all my whims and fancies in between.

All of these was what drew you to me, that was never a question, but they will never be a prerequisite to you loving me because I just realised these things I do, should never be specifically for you, or anyone else for that matter, but myself. You may like the idea of me but these ideas were and will never be sufficient for you to fall in love with me.

We used to argue that the other's version of love was warped and now I've realised maybe we didn't even know what love is at all.

The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

I've always been a strong believer of the grass on your side being as green as you make it out to be. My theory is simple, it's your grass, you grow it.

But truth be told, more often than not, it isn't the greenest. Somehow, somewhere, the grass is always greener on the other side because no matter how much you tend to your own patch, someone is going to look better, be better at what you do, be in a better situation and simply just have more. 

It is an inevitable fact. I envy many people, for many reasons. I am always (happily) envious of my friends in blissful relationships with their better halves because tried and tested, I am practically a magnet for heartbreak. I constantly look up to my chefs or anyone for that matter that cooks well, because I never got to pursing culinary properly and I always feel there's so much for me be better at. I get possessive and needy sometimes, especially towards those who mean the most to me because I catch myself second guessing my worth or importance from time to time. And as comfortable as I am in my own skin, I'd readily admit I easily fall short against a number of other girls who are crazily blessed with good looks and good figures.

I guess it is only human that people are selective in what they choose to believe. Fallibly, in a state of despondency, we end up too focused on the achievements of others. Plus, inexplicable greed gets the better of us, some time or the other. After all, they always say there's nothing worth having so much as something unattainable. You'd argue that  perhaps the fault lies in the survival instincts etched in our genes to be at the top of the food chain, but in all likelihood, there probably will never be an explanation for our insatiable thirst for success. 

I've realised very early on that a permanent definition of what is sufficient set on a pedestal is impossible because of new benchmarks and expectations set each day. Sufficient will never be enough and enough will never equate to perfection. Entire lifetimes will be squandered to attempting to attain the perfect lawn, because ineffably enough, someone somewhere will be bound to have grass that appears to shine that little shade brighter. 

The most lamentable reason however is, the grass will always be greener on the other side simply because we spend so much time looking over, we forget to look down on the patch we're standing on. All the time, blood, sweat and tears, heartaches and headaches, all your successes and even more so your failures, should have had made a difference in whatever you have now. To say it is a pity it slipped your mind is an understatement.

At the end of the day, I guess my point is, so what if the grass is greener on the other side?

“The moment you place someone on a pedestal, they will look down upon you.”

I think my most prominent problem is that I try to see the best out of everyone, too much and too often for my own good. I overlook warning signs, I ignore the flashing lights. Time and time again, I trust that my kindness will be acknowledged, if not reciprocated. I trust people right away, right up until they prove they cannot be trusted, which by then, turns out to be too late, isn't it. 

The hilarious irony is, in giving more than my 100% and yet being unappreciated and pushed around at work, being a disposable friend, letting people take advantage of the fact that I am not one to say "no", putting myself in a position where I am always a pushover and settling for significant others who constantly makes me feel insignificant... no one disappoints me, really, but myself. 

They always say to not mistake one's kindness for their weakness. My kindness, on the contrary, is my biggest weakness. Someone teach me how to be unkind, please. 

10 Commandments of Being in the Hospitality Industry

From the moment I was sixteen I've only been working in the service industry. I've only had experience as a lifeguard at a water theme park, selling suits for a Japanese company and being a waitress from each end of the spectrum of a small cafe, to a Bar & Grill and two very established hotels. While a large component of service comes from experience, which means I am still far off, consciously deciding to pursue this industry as my dream career has got me thinking and this is what I've come to realise.

1. Thy Customer is Always Right. Contrary to the growing belief that the customer is NOT always right, they are. Or at least we have to ensure they believe they are. When someone is dedicated to providing good service (and maintaining a business), the customer is always right simply because they are the source of your revenue, tips and return loyalty. 

Sure, requests get absurd. Tempers and tantrums are more often than not uncalled for and ugly. And on the worst days, you end your shift with a morale and ego so bruised, you question your work choices. But eventually, you master the art of sucking it all up, an empathetic smile plastered on.

2. Which brings me to my second point: Shit always happens, there is never a fool-proof prevention and only one cure - Thy must learneth to let it go. The wisest of us, with enough worst days, will eventually learn that sleeping a bad shift off is essential to maintaining sanity. Getting caught up on it never helps. Why fret over the asshole from last night who flipped tables because he couldn't change the fries with his burger to foie gras without extra charge, when tonight, you'll be staring at the spit foaming at the corners of some other moron's mouth while he's demanding the temperature of his Shiraz be exactly 18ºC in this humid urban jungle of a country we're in? Your raging customer will look like an utter idiot but if you keep harping on it after it's over, you're no far off too.

3. Thou shall never say "No". This I caught on naturally, and I only have my pushover nature to blame. But the tiny "no" is taboo. Shiraz at 18ºC when you're sitting outdoors on a humid night? Impossible but I will not tell you that. What I will tell you is that I'll pop it in the fridge and make repeated rounds from your table to the bar just to ensure your wine stays at the temperature to your liking. And no, it probably isn't even going to be close to 18ºC but you wouldn't know because 1) there's no way you would know, 2) even if you do, that smile I've grown to use and extra attention to your table will make you overlook that.

Make the mistake of letting a "no" slip, even before the spit spray has landed on your face, your manager would have heard from the customer and worst still, you will hear from your manager, possibly all the way up till the leading weeks, or months after even.

4. Thou will eventually hath superpowers. The immunity from going crazy from Christmas tunes (God forbid, your workplace plays Chinese New Year ones) on loop for a month. 14 straight hours in heels. Unbelievable self control while being yelled at. The ability to remember guest names and dietary / seat / mojito / ice cube (not joking) preferences, when you cannot even remember to eat sometimes.

//Cue Commercial Voice// All that and more when you sign up to be a waitress today!

5. Thou must be patient. Not in that chao geng, spam MC last minute resulting in everyone needing to work overtime sense. The rungs up the career ladder in the hospitality industry is a long, tedious and trying one. Long hours (which will never change and I presume only get worse), low wages and getting the full brunt of your managers and customers alike. Throw in a generous dash of mindbogglingly ridiculous customers and you'll have the perfect recipe for throwing in the towel. But patience is the key to making the climb so, so worthwhile.

6. Never underestimate the power of thy smile. A (genuine) smile goes a very, very long way. Almost always, the best customers I've had the privilege of serving always started with a smile. The service culture in Singapore may not be very warm towards providing that first smile, but returning it sure as hell takes you places. The right smile at the right time gets you easily out of trouble. A smile makes your chefs feel a little more willing in taking that fussy food request/order. A smile makes everyone just that little bit brighter, as cliché or corny it may sound. Plus best of all, a smile is free. (Cliché again, I apologize)

7. Thy thirst for knowledge must never falter. I cannot remember how many times I've been told that there's nothing more impressive than a waitress who knows her wines and whiskey. But I do remember the monetary tips that came along with recommending a good wine or whiskey. Okay, pride aside, my point is, one of my favourite parts of this industry, is the potential of always having something new to learn. New technology and systems are introduced often enough. Getting to hear about different countries and experiences from your customers. I am never short of amazed watching my chefs whip up a new dish. Not to mention the excitement that comes with wine and whiskey tasting. The moment you stop learning, and I believe this applies everywhere else, you become stagnant and you falter.

There always is something new to learn out of every situation. You just need to learn to make the best out of it. Even the worst scenario of having horrible supervisors/managers has it's perks - You learn exactly how not to behave when you are a manager in the future.

8. Thou must sacrifice. Christmas. New Year. Chinese New Year. Valentine's Day. National Day. Your Dad/Mom/Sister/Brother/Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Best Friend/Friend/Acquaintance's birthdays. Your own birthday. Sleep. Consistent meal times. And that's the very least.

The painful truth about an industry that has such a great potential for career/personal growth lies precisely in it's abundance in opportunities. More often than not, you'll be faced with decisions forcing you to pick between where you should be and where you want to be. Being able to intern overseas was a major privilege that I worked hard for. That unfortunately came with ignoring where I should be and deciding to be away from my family, especially my grandma who was very ill plus jeopardising a lot of relationships/friendships. In retrospect, it was an extremely fulfilling experience. In short, sacrifices will always be painful and you will question yourself countless of times before you realise your returns.

9. Thou shall loveth thy job. They say love is patient, love is kind. I honestly think this is what gets me through all the long hours, horrid superiors and even more horrid customers - my love for this industry. Also, it is quite simple, really. Being able to love what you do allows you to work happy. Good service will only come naturally when you're happy and genuine while serving and this in return makes the customers on the receiving end happy.

10. Thou will become a better person. Punctuality and responsibility gets instilled. You sub-consciously start noticing and remembering all your friends' birthdays and preference. You pay attention to details. Initiative comes naturally out of work as well. When confronted with a bad situation, your instincts tell you to let it go. When people are mean to you, especially when you are a customer outside of work, you are more understanding. You appreciate the time you have out of work a lot more and stop neglecting the relationships you have. You take better care of yourself because you know you cannot afford to crumble, both physically and mentally. You are more aware of how you carry yourself in public, and make a better effort at carrying yourself better because you have seen that customer throwing a bitch-fit in public and you don't want to risk getting Stomped.

It is a huge cycle. A huge, tiring and endless cycle. But it is a cycle I'm glad to be a part of, through the good days and despite the bad. And maybe when the going gets tough, I'll read this again someday and remind myself why I've stuck on for so long. 

"Show me a hero,"

“Things are sweeter when they're lost. 

I know--because once I wanted something and got it. 

It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, 

and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” 

- The Beautiful and Damned, F. Scott Fitzgerald

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for my sister. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful to still be studying. I am thankful to be studying something I am interested in. I am thankful for my jobs. I am thankful I like my jobs. I am thankful I get to cook and bake. I am thankful for the roof over my head. I am thankful for my meals. I am thankful I am contented. I am thankful I am tired because it shows I've been working. I am thankful that life gets tough because Jill always loves a mfing challenge. I am thankful for these challenges because it makes me a better person.

I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.

to love and lose

The best way to love something is to realise it might be lost. Perhaps that was what she needed all along to fully appreciate every bit of you, and I am just but the influencing catalyst. Maybe this is all there is to it.

Or maybe with time, it will cross your mind the possibility of losing what you have now, the myriad ways of 'what if's and 'what could be's. And maybe, just maybe, then, you might start to love me.

the minor fall // the major lift

The fault lies with no one that university fees are high, bills have to be paid and coincidentally, the little sister starts Poly this year. I still am grateful for many things. But truth is, I am tired. It's quite a shitty feeling, to feel defeated even before we've barely started.

Sometimes I wish someone would come up to me and tell me to ditch the front because while I may think it is doing everyone good, it isn't doing me much good. I feel all kinds of exhausted, I don't even know what is happening any more. Self-preservation has never felt lonelier.

I guess this wasn't what I was quite expecting after Langkawi. It is one thing being in a different country and loneliness comes as a part of the package. It is a completely different thing being around so many people all at once and feeling nothing but genuinely small and empty.

There's a saying somewhere that patience isn't defined by the amount of time you've waited, but your attitude while you're waiting.

Maybe I'm running out of patience.

the best one, of the best ones.

2013 has been brilliant. It was an extremely difficult year and I think 2014 will continue to be, but perhaps that is what makes it so satisfying.

I remember waking up the first morning after flying back from Langkawi for good, feeling extremely disoriented to be in my own bed. It took a few minutes too long but the slow realisation of knowing I actually finished half a year of internship in a foreign land all alone was nothing short of comforting. The long hours, homesickness, heartaches, being a pushover, temptations of giving up and hard learnt lessons - I sucked it all up, I actually did it.

Then came graduation. Through the entire ceremony I remember feeling like it was just really mundane and that I was just glad I am done with poly. A few of my lecturers and director came over after and my first instinct was to panic about what they would say but the grin on my Dad's face on hearing how well I did for internship was the biggest, most proudest grin I've ever seen in my life. (This is also the best moment of my life thus far)

In that moment, I realised something I should have had realised way earlier but it will be something that will stay close to my heart forever. While I know I've always been working hard to get the things I want, from trainings to school to work, it finally dawned on me that day that the only thing more satisfactory than me feeling accomplished is to see how proud my parents are of my accomplishments.

The past few months have been extremely trying. Juggling two jobs on top of school has definitely taken it's toll. I barely have time for much, but when I do find time, my days off become so much more worthwhile. Also, I've successfully made it through yet another festive period in the service industry. Feeling accomplished is an understatement. I know the next few months will be crazy hectic, but there is comfort in knowing if I did it before, I can do it again and that it will all be worthwhile eventually.

It is safe to say I grew up quite a bit because I am also thankful for the relationship(s) that didn't happen. It is the things like these that keeps me grounded knowing that not everything will work out the way I want it to be. Sometimes you get some, sometimes you lose some. After all, I think these reminders from time to time makes me a tougher person and more appreciative of my other relationships with people who are more important in my life.

Which brings me to... How 2013 really pointed out how blessed I am to be surrounded by really, the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I know I get stubborn, infuriating and whiny, but everyone else evens it out mostly (hahaha) and I cannot be any more thankful to have everyone in my life. This is where words simply do not suffice and I've nothing more to offer than "I love you"s and "I will cook for you forever"s, because that is really all Jill can humbly offer and I hope that is enough.

All in all, to sum up the year, I am just glad to be home, where it isn't a place but more of being with the people I love. I am extremely contented to have time to do what I love, all the meals I'm slowly getting better at conjuring and (still feeling extremely humbled and bubbly about (': ) my first legit bake sale a few days ago. Surely work and school will carry on being a challenge, but it will be one I'll gladly accept. After all, as one of my favourite saying goes, "Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you."

So cheers to the new year; to what is, has been and is yet to come.