The Penrose Tribar

Growing up going to church, I've always identified the Holy Trinity with a triangle. I cannot quite pinpoint why, when or who but one Sunday School lesson, someone drew a triangle to explain the Holy Trinity and it stuck ever since. 

Then I went to school and when Math became a bitch, a triangle (delta) meant the change in variable of an equation. Similarly, when I took Chemistry, the triangle represented change. 

A penrose triangle, or the tribar, however, falls in the other end of the spectrum. Its an optical illusion. It's impossible. As far as my thoughts are concerned, it completely contradicts religion, equation and science. 

Which to me, is a downright hilarious irony. 

I'll be upfront, I didn't initially have much of a reason with the penrose. I just liked the idea of an optical illusion. Not that I need a reason now, but, I just basically reached an epiphany on how very apt a penrose is for me. 

Look at it as a whole, and it pretty much looks like any other triangle. Go into details, focus on the corners and you start noticing all it's impossibility. Religion has basically been a paradoxical topic for me. The church that taught me love, hope and kindness holds the very same ostentatious people that do not practise what they preached. Look at the church on the whole and what is there to fault? People eager to know your troubles, a higher power that loves you very much and so do they. Focus on the details and all you really have is a bad jumble of contradictions. Don't tell me to love thy neighbour one second and shun that gay couple the next. Don't tell me that God loves me but I'll be condemned to eternal damnation if I can't follow His ways. Don't. 

The church I grew up in sparked a chain reaction of scepticism I have to almost everything afterwards. Sceptical to religious people and their intentions. Sceptical to whether the Math equation on my O level's paper was actually solvable. Sceptical about my culinary potential. Sceptical about whether or not I'll ever make my parents proud. Sceptical to whether I'll ever be sufficient for anyone to love and to feel enough. Sceptical about the myriad possibilities in life. 

Like I said, its not that I need a reason now and I still like the fact that it is just an optical illusion, but maybe if I choose not to look at the details, my penrose wont seem too impossible anymore. It could just be another triangle. 

Read of the Week: Thirteen Reasons Why

“No one knows for certain how much impact they have 

on the lives of other people.

 Oftentimes, we have no clue. 

Yet we push it just the same.” 

- Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

_________________________________

Dropped by Popular to look for The Fault with Our Stars by John Green yesterday but Jill, being Jill, saw a Buy 2 Get 1 Free Book promo and I walked happily out with three extremely good bargains. Totally forgot about my intended purpose but I am so happy right now. (: 

Midnight Musings

Met Debz yesterday. Not sure if I've completely come to terms with the fact that on Monday, she's leaving for Paris for 5 whole months and the only time I get to see her is when I, myself, come back from Langkawi in March. Then again, I dont even think I've come to terms with the fact that Im leaving for 6 months.

Besides the fact that Im needy, this comes off as a huge surprise. I should be fucking psyched to go. Because Jill is impulsive. I make the craziest decisions sometimes, not all Im proud of, but almost every decision I make, significant or not, is impulse driven. Impulsive and stubborn. 

And as much as I like being impulsive, I know the line between what I actually wish to have what I stubbornly just want to get. 

I dont need your time, I just want to know if I even remotely cross your mind or not. 

said love was painted gold,

Last night I was drunk and on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I was upset and I hated you. I actually hated you.

Now Im sober, albeit nursing the inevitable hangover, and I still feel negatively towards you. This isnt one of those moments where you annoy the shit out of me and I say mean, hurtful things to you like how I never wish to see you again but we both know I'll cave sooner or later, mostly sooner, because I always cave. I always cave for you. Nope. Not this time. This is irrefutable I-dont-really-like-you-anymore-I-am-always-upset-with-your-actions-so-I-think-Im-staying-away.

The irony is up till 36 hours ago, I think we both know that you were the one person I cared so much for. I did the most ridiculous things for you. Up until a certain point of time, I wanted to do it. I actually liked being ridiculous, doing ridiculous things for the most ridiculous person in my life. And despite all that, nothing you did  in the past 36 hours even came close to almost 2 years of knowing you and being with you, all the ridicule you put me through, all our fights and you being the most annoying and frustrating person I know (even more annoying and frustrating than me which is quite an accomplishment).

Essentially nothing, but I feel this way.

You have single handedly, unknowingly to me, shamed all my previous relationships. Every previous person I've dated comes nothing close to you. You cheapen my every action, you made me feel weak. I've always been needy, but with you, I was a different kind of needy. It was a self-sufficient kind of needy, the kind where I was constantly trying to be better, to do something that would sweep you off your feet, just for that bit of approval or attention from you.

I dont do roller coaster rides. But I did it for you. When I sit on rides like these at amusement parks, the excitement and anticipation you get from the slow climb to the peak or that thrill you get from the drops, it kills me. I dont enjoy feeling my heart drop. Its sadistic, and I dont like feeling like that. Being with you was like our first roller coaster ride. You make me nervous, I panic, sometimes I want to buckle. I get upset and question why I put myself through all these. My heart drops, my stomach flutters. You piss me off so badly, often I think I want to puke. The ride makes me giddy, you make me giddy. Giddy with love. Giddy with anger. 


And then suddenly, there's a steep turn and you, being the daredevil you are, you throw your hands off the ride even though I vividly remember instructions to always keep your hands in the cart. I feel my heart drop again but not because we are going at a gazillion miles per hour but because Im scared you'll fall out. I grab your knee and you turn and all I see is that wild smile on your face, gap in your teeth and your eyes lit up brighter than the sun. And I feel my heart drop again. 


That's what our relationship was like. Emotional turmoil for me. With pockets of that smile of yours, that turns the ride to hell into the best decision I made stepping into the theme park with you. 


But pockets of sunshine arent always enough. Like how I never really felt enough. Maybe they suffice for others because Im sure that's why there are crazy people, like you, who absolutely adores roller coaster rides. But I've never liked roller coaster rides to begin with. 


I hate how roller coaster rides make me feel. I hate the things you do and how you constantly make me feel. I just want out of this cycle.

EPICMEALTIME CAKE

Post Note: Extremely tummy splitting cake. This is a cake for real men, not dainty sparkly fairies-unicorns-ponies-andallthingspretty sweet sixteen parties. Also, this is a good time to further reinforce the fact that Jill, contrary to popular belief, does not believe in "healthy" eating and this is the epitome of "too tiny for the amount I eat". 

Post Post Note: I am also blogging while very sick so this might come off angsty-er than usual. 

--------------------------------------------

If you didn't already know, it was BIG KEEF'S 20th and I made him a meat cake!

Because all good things are wild and free, here's my fucking crazy recipe of a cake, totally complimentary. :>  Also I strongly believe good things are meant to be shared and trust me when I say an actual male will love this so much more than that pretty little cupcake you spent hours rolling sparkly blue heart shaped fondants for. (But of course he'll say he loves whatever you make him)

Wont deny this was a inspired by Meatloaf Cake but celery, peas and oats?! Nuuuuhhhhh. A meat cake should be made up of meat (and onions and garlic and cheese but only because). And bacon, nuff said.

Recipe under the cut!

KEITH TURNS 20!

My weekends were a jumble of hectic from rushing home from school to bake, then to Keith's "surprise" chalet, reaching home at 6AM, only to go for a 6KM run 12 hours later (which none of my teammates actually completed) and then  club hopping after.

Not quite sure how it flew by so fast but the highlight was definitely Keith's party, and not getting killed by a transsexual outside Zirca of course.

The "surprise" party was actually a combined thingy that the birthday boy himself planned with his pretty friend, Ellen. Was quite shocked when I found out cos I felt bad I made such a gross cake for a girl! But her boyfriend surprised her at the last minute by showing up with a pretty icecream cake! *cue Awwwhhhh*

Previously said gross cake was my humbled version of an epicmealtime worthy *hopefully* cake for the birthday boy, who in all 4ish years I've known him, deserves every bit of it! Presenting, probably the best thing I've made for this bunch of my favourite people; 3 layers of beef, chicken and turkey, mixed with onions, garlic and mozzarella, coated with meatball sauce, frosted with home made mash potatoes and topped with caramelised bacon. Recipe here!

Ended up dry and hard cos I think the mash was left out too long, but still in my humbled opinion freaking delicious. THIS is the type of cake I dont mind making over and over again.

And meet Lilin and Ishmam! Cant believe I didn't meet them earlier. Frigging lovely couple. Plus I bumped into Lilin the night after at Heli and we went over Zirca to meet the rest after where above above mentioned transsexual happened.

Helios' crutches. -..- Standing on the ledge but still barely taller than it. On a brighter note, if you see both pictures below, left being Friday and right being 4ish-5years ago, I think I grew a wee bit taller!

Okay thats all. Every picture from Ishmam's camera and the only reason why Im blogging is because Im down with a bacterial throat infection so Im home alone feeling extremely uncomfy and bored. 

That said, hope everyone's feeling better than me! (;

Read of the Week: The Beautiful and Damned

"Things are sweeter when they're lost. 

I know - because once I wanted something and got it.

It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, 

and when I got it, it turned to dust in my hand."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

___________________________________

Still not done and probably never will because the more I read on, the more I just want to go and drink and become an alcoholic too. This book honestly makes me restless/upset/depressed at all the myriad possibilities and irony of concurrently being successful and fucking things up. Ugh.

Sunday Visuals

Spent my Sunday lazing around in bed with my current read, The Beautiful and Damned , a bunch of other books I felt like skimming through and a nice cup of tea. Won't deny, I have major issues finishing the book. Ended up editing a banner for the blog but cant decide if this other font is nicer. So after my attention was diverted, I ended up on a "Things I Will Miss About My Room" binge. 

Pretty much narrows down to how my room constantly smells like a mix of lemongrass and chanel, all my medals from the runs with my dad, my only POLITE medal and that huge tweezers from Young Chefs Game. Also randomly decided to pick all my favourite things in my favourite colour; my fluffy rug, touch ball, my stuffed octopus, back pack, Topshop pencil skirt, Starbucks tumbler and of course my smelly pillow (though it isnt really green, but close enough). It was nice while it lasted. 

Everything's nice while they last.