said love was painted gold,

Last night I was drunk and on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I was upset and I hated you. I actually hated you.

Now Im sober, albeit nursing the inevitable hangover, and I still feel negatively towards you. This isnt one of those moments where you annoy the shit out of me and I say mean, hurtful things to you like how I never wish to see you again but we both know I'll cave sooner or later, mostly sooner, because I always cave. I always cave for you. Nope. Not this time. This is irrefutable I-dont-really-like-you-anymore-I-am-always-upset-with-your-actions-so-I-think-Im-staying-away.

The irony is up till 36 hours ago, I think we both know that you were the one person I cared so much for. I did the most ridiculous things for you. Up until a certain point of time, I wanted to do it. I actually liked being ridiculous, doing ridiculous things for the most ridiculous person in my life. And despite all that, nothing you did  in the past 36 hours even came close to almost 2 years of knowing you and being with you, all the ridicule you put me through, all our fights and you being the most annoying and frustrating person I know (even more annoying and frustrating than me which is quite an accomplishment).

Essentially nothing, but I feel this way.

You have single handedly, unknowingly to me, shamed all my previous relationships. Every previous person I've dated comes nothing close to you. You cheapen my every action, you made me feel weak. I've always been needy, but with you, I was a different kind of needy. It was a self-sufficient kind of needy, the kind where I was constantly trying to be better, to do something that would sweep you off your feet, just for that bit of approval or attention from you.

I dont do roller coaster rides. But I did it for you. When I sit on rides like these at amusement parks, the excitement and anticipation you get from the slow climb to the peak or that thrill you get from the drops, it kills me. I dont enjoy feeling my heart drop. Its sadistic, and I dont like feeling like that. Being with you was like our first roller coaster ride. You make me nervous, I panic, sometimes I want to buckle. I get upset and question why I put myself through all these. My heart drops, my stomach flutters. You piss me off so badly, often I think I want to puke. The ride makes me giddy, you make me giddy. Giddy with love. Giddy with anger. 


And then suddenly, there's a steep turn and you, being the daredevil you are, you throw your hands off the ride even though I vividly remember instructions to always keep your hands in the cart. I feel my heart drop again but not because we are going at a gazillion miles per hour but because Im scared you'll fall out. I grab your knee and you turn and all I see is that wild smile on your face, gap in your teeth and your eyes lit up brighter than the sun. And I feel my heart drop again. 


That's what our relationship was like. Emotional turmoil for me. With pockets of that smile of yours, that turns the ride to hell into the best decision I made stepping into the theme park with you. 


But pockets of sunshine arent always enough. Like how I never really felt enough. Maybe they suffice for others because Im sure that's why there are crazy people, like you, who absolutely adores roller coaster rides. But I've never liked roller coaster rides to begin with. 


I hate how roller coaster rides make me feel. I hate the things you do and how you constantly make me feel. I just want out of this cycle.